


Tunnel Vision

by ThatOneAwkwardFangirl_Liz_Cecil



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, College, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Minor Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu, Minor Ennoshita Chikara/Tanaka Ryuunosuke, Minor Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Minor Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Minor Shimizu Kiyoko/Yachi Hitoka, Pining, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-22 23:54:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17069612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatOneAwkwardFangirl_Liz_Cecil/pseuds/ThatOneAwkwardFangirl_Liz_Cecil
Summary: Sugawara Koushi has always thought his best friend, Sawamura Daichi, was ignorant to the issues of love and romance. It turns out that Suga might be the one who's missing something, though.





	Tunnel Vision

**Author's Note:**

> This was only meant to be like 6000 words long, but I hope it's fluffy/cute enough for you?
> 
> (I'm a professional novelist, so writing short stories is not my strong suit, hah.)

I spent the duration of my high school and university careers convinced that Daichi was an oblivious idiot when it came to romance.

Girls liked him all the time. Anyone with eyes could see that. Who could blame them? He was smart, good-looking, sporty, nice, and-

“Suga, why are you staring at Daichi like that?”

I jump. “Hi, Asahi. Sorry, I was just thinking.”

“Thinking?”

“About the game tomorrow!”

He nods, understanding. “I can hardly believe we made it here, myself.”

“We’ve all worked so hard! If – when – we go to Nationals, it makes everything since first-year just seem worth it. I hope I get to stand out there with you guys on the court.”

I look at Daichi again, who’s going over Yachi-chan and Kiyoko’s notes for tomorrow’s game. He is probably the best captain we’ve ever had, so it’s no surprise he would be the one to lead us to the finals. He could probably lead us all the way to winning Nationals, reestablishing Karasuno as a powerhouse school. He’s such a natural leader and has such an encouraging personality. He was born to be a captain.

He’s touching his cheek absentmindedly. It probably still stings from where he got hit in the face today. At least the bruise looks cool. It’s like a battle scar won in the process of getting us to finals.

“Suga, you’re doing it again.” Asahi smiles at me, like he knows something. I don’t know what it’s supposed to be. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

As we walk into the building, ready to face Shiratorizawa, we’re stopped. Michimiya Yui, former captain of the girls’ team, and two of her teammates are pulling Daichi aside.

Asahi and I turn, and I smile at her. I know as well as anyone with eyes that she likes Daichi a lot. They went to middle school together, and if I have to guess, she has liked him since then. I can’t help but feel bad; Daichi is so oblivious.

“I made this for you!” she says, handing him a good luck charm. “Well, it’s for the whole team! You know!”

He looks at it and smiles. Something about his smile tends to make girls go weak. “Thank you, Yui. I’ll hang onto it for everyone.”

“G-good luck!” she stammers as he turns away.

A part of me wants to punch him in the stomach for being so stupid. It’s like he doesn’t even know how much she likes him. Before I walk with him, I see her lean into her friends and squeal – not happily, but in embarrassment. _Poor girl._

Daichi is ahead of me and Asahi now, and I look at him, wondering how he could be so clueless. “Do you think he even knows?” I ask Asahi.

He shakes his head. “No, I don’t think he ever does.”

“The worst part is that I think he likes her too! And he doesn’t even realize!”

“I don’t know if Daichi likes _anyone_ ,” he admits. “Just the way he never seems to think about that stuff.”

This makes me uncomfortable to think about for some reason. “Are you sure he’s not just gay, maybe?”

“Maybe, but he never notices when guys like him either.”

I try to think if I know of any guys who have liked him. While I can’t think of any off the top of my head, the idea that some have doesn’t surprise me. Honestly, the whole team is probably at least a little in love with him. It doesn’t make you gay to like Daichi. Everyone likes Daichi, at least a little.

“Hm.”

 

The match against Shiratorizawa is more intense than anything we have faced before. Even from the warmup area, I feel the pressure. I have to be ready to jump in at any moment. And I am ready, I think.

Maybe not so ready, I realize, because Coach Ukai is calling me forward to go in. Nerves wreck my entire being as I stare at my shaking hands. _My body is warm, but my hands are cold._

Suddenly, warm hands cover mine. I look up to see Kiyoko. This is surprising for many reasons, none of which my brain can remember right now. All I know is that she’s touching me, and I feel better and worse all at once.

“P-please wait a while to marry me!” I blurt it out, not meaning to say it at all. She is probably just trying to help me warm up my hands and stop shaking, but I just made it weird.

“Don’t worry, Suga-san,” she says, smiling. She’s so pretty, it turns my brain to mush. “I’m not going to marry you.”

All of the feelings I’ve just gone through end in heartbreak. “Y-you don’t know that!”

But she’s let go of my hands, and she’s walking away. It’s immediately obvious why.

“Here, Suga, I’ll hold your hands,” Daichi offers, going to grab my hands.

I pull them away from him, keeping them close. “No!”

“It’s not fair that you’re the only one!” Asahi insists.

Meanwhile, the second-years look at me like I am a god – and I feel a bit like one. Maybe this won’t be so bad. _Maybe if I win, Kiyoko will marry me._

I don’t really want her to marry me, but I would be lying if I said I don’t like her. We all do, though. She’s so pretty, so nice.

 

We do win. It’s the longest day of our lives, ending in the best thing we’ve ever accomplished together. We’re all crying, hugging, and who can blame us? We’re going to Nationals. We made it!

I walk with Daichi and Asahi at the end of the night. I’m still processing that this is real – we’re really going to Tokyo. The three of us have worked so hard, and we made it.

“I can’t believe you asked Kiyoko to marry you,” Daichi teases.

“I can’t believe she said no,” I laugh, but I’m still embarrassed about it.

“I can’t believe she held your hands,” Asahi sighs. “It’s not fair.”

“It really isn’t,” Daichi agrees.

“Looks like we kept our promise to the first years. We’re going to the National Spring Tournament,” I say, changing the subject. “We did it.”

They start talking about that, but I’m thinking about how Daichi does like Kiyoko. He has to like at least some people, because he likes her. Sure, we all like her, but would he if he likes no one?

“What’s the matter, Suga?” he asks, breaking my thoughts.

I try to think of a good enough lie, but I’m at a loss. As if embarrassing myself once today just isn’t enough, I say, “Daichi, do you like girls? Or guys? Or anyone?”

He looks at me like he can’t tell if I’m serious. “Yes, why? What’s that about?”

“You don’t ever notice when someone likes you.” I’ve started, and I can’t stop now. Asahi looks like he can’t believe I’m saying any of this, but I’m not sure why. It isn’t like it’s about me, right?

“What’s this about,” he repeats, stopping to look at me.

“Yui,” I say, because it’s true – at least I think it is. “She didn’t give that charm to you for the team. She did it because she _likes_ you. Daichi, she’s always liked you.”

Now he looks more confused, and a bit like I’ve said something wrong. “She – no she doesn’t. She can’t. What?”

Asahi looks at him curiously, and I can tell he’s sharing my thoughts. “You’re kidding?”

“What?” he insists. “There’s no way. I’ve known Yui for longer than either of you. She doesn’t like me.”

I try to think of how to explain this to him, but if he doesn’t know, I don’t think I can. Maybe he doesn’t like her, and maybe he never even did. He doesn’t seem to notice when she does little things like this for him – or he notices, but not necessarily the significance.

“You don’t like her?” I ask.

His eyes widen. “No. Not…not that way. Oh, no. Is that really why she gave the charm to me?”

I feel terrible now. He’s obviously guilty about this, and that’s my fault. I should not have brought it up.

 

“I’m sorry,” I tell him later that night. “I thought you would be happy to know how she felt. I…I thought you felt the same.”

He shrugs and plugs in his phone. “I wish I’d realized sooner. I hope I haven’t hurt her feelings or accidentally rejected her.”

“She wouldn’t be the first,” I say, then realize I’ve done it again.

“What do you mean?”

“Lots of people have liked you, Daichi. You never notice.”

He only laughs. “Yeah, like I’m the only one who doesn’t notice that.”

“What do _you_ mean?”

“Lots of people have liked you, Suga. Why do you only notice it when it’s about me?”

I blink. “Why do _you_ only notice it when it’s about _me_?”

“Fair enough.”

 

When Yui confesses to Daichi, it gets worse. He has to tell her that he loves her, but not that way, and that he’s sorry. Worse yet, she’s not the only girl to get brave.

The volleyball team has gotten popular, now that we’re going to Nationals. More of our classmates are noticing us, and that means that more girls are noticing Daichi. Sure, he’s not the only one getting confessions, but he’s gotten more than the rest of us. He hasn’t accepted any of them. Neither have I.

I tell myself it’s because I have a crush on Kiyoko, just like everyone else, but that doesn’t stop some of the second-years from having girlfriends for a short time. We’re all too busy for relationships, though. Maybe that’s my reason. It’s got to be it.

I try to ask Daichi why he always rejects the girls (and a few guys now). He just tells me that he doesn’t like any of them. He will only say yes to someone that he really likes.

He doesn’t tell me who that is.

He asks me why I do the same thing. I tell him it’s because I’m still mentally engaged to be married to Kiyoko. I might be lying, though. I can’t really tell anymore.

 

Nationals is more than I’ve ever dreamed of it being. Being in Tokyo, making Karasuno a powerhouse, being there with my best friends and teammates.

I’m torn between wanting to take in the sights and wanting to practice. I know that what I really need to do is sleep, but I’m so excited that I don’t think I’ll be able to. It’s not just training camp anymore – we’re in Tokyo for real this time.

“Do you want to go sightseeing?” Daichi asks all of us. I can tell I’m not the only one relieved he’s the one to bring it up. Everyone’s excited.

We can’t see everything, but that doesn’t matter. Seeing any of Tokyo tonight is more than enough. I take pictures of everything, and anything I want to be in, I make Daichi take the picture. He doesn’t seem to mind, though. I feel like he’s watching me expectantly, waiting for me to hand him my phone again.

“Oh!” I gasp, seeing the perfect spot by the water. Sunsets over the water are so pretty, I understand how they became a cliché. “Daichi, over here!”

“Alright.” He’s smiling, and he reaches for my phone to take the picture. Instead, I grab his hand, pulling him next to me. “What?”

“Together!” I insist. Something in the back of my mind tells me that we’re going to want to have this to remember the night by, even if we’re not going to be apart any time soon.

We’re going to college soon, but it’s the same college, and we’re going to be roommates. Still, I want to remember our first real night in Tokyo, the excitement before Nationals. I want to remember the sunset reflecting in the water, and the way the light looks on his face – on our faces. It’s flattering lighting. I guess that’s why they call it Golden Hour, right?

“Ooh, good idea!” Hinata realizes, pulling Kageyama with him for their own picture. I laugh as I watch them struggle to fit in a frame together.

“Would you like me to take it?” I offer.

Hinata hands me his phone and tries to get Kageyama to smile. He doesn’t, and I think that’s for the best. His forced smiles are scary.

“When do we have to be back?” I ask Daichi. He’s the only one who seems to be keeping track right now.

“We should probably head back soon. Hopefully this helped them burn off some excess energy, right? Then they’ll sleep all night.”

“You sound like their dad,” I joke.

“I _feel_ like their dad.”

 

As soon as Nationals began, they were ending. There is a sense of victory and accomplishment from winning, but there is also a weird, hollow feeling in my chest. After the group hug, I hug everyone again.

The games felt so long, but now that they’re over, that’s it. We won, but we’re done now. I’m never going to play with these guys again.

I don’t even know if I’ll play volleyball ever again.

I’m crying, and I don’t know if they’re tears of joy or sadness anymore. Daichi hugs me again, crying because we made it, and I feel a little better. No matter where I go in life, he will be there with me. I think it makes me feel better, because he’s my best friend and my constant.

But right now, I’m not sure if that’s all.

 

“Suga, I’m not carrying all of the heavy boxes.”

It’s freshman move-in day, and I keep making him lift anything heavier than a box of clothes.

“But you’re so much stronger than me!” I pat his biceps and smile at him, then pick up a lighter box. I don’t know why that works, but he just sighs and follows me up to the apartment.

“Are we doing any of the freshman activities tonight?” he asks. “And please hold the door!”

“Got it.” I hold the door with my leg while he skirts past me. “I don’t know; the bonfire could be fun.”

“We’ll do whatever you want,” he says, setting down the box. “Anything else?”

“Just one more. I’ve got it,” I add, not completely wanting him to be my slave.

“It’s light, isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

He holds the door for me when I get back up. “Should we get lunch before we start unboxing?”

“Or we could order pizza,” I suggest. “We really should get started on this, otherwise we will probably never get it done.”

He sighs, leaning his head on my shoulder. “I guess that’s true. But I’m tired from all the boxes. I thought we could go out, recover, then come back to unpack.”

A part of me wants to cave, but I know both of us and our motivation. “That’s not going to work, Daichi.”

“No?”

“No.”

He shifts more of his weight against me until I stumble. “Please?”

I step away and laugh. “Start unpacking. It’s going to be a long day.”

 

It is a long day, that turns into a long night. Before we know it, it’s almost midnight, and far too late for the bonfire. I would be disappointed, but I only have one box left to unpack, so I’m feeling too accomplished.

Daichi is leaning against the couch, eyes heavy. I feel responsible for how tired he is, but decide I’ll make it up to him by taking him to lunch tomorrow.

“Hey,” I say, poking his leg with my foot.

“Sorry we missed the bonfire,” he murmurs, eyes still half-closed.

“There’s another one tomorrow night.”

“Maybe we can go tomorrow, then.”

“Wanna shower first, or should I?”

He blinks up at me. “I like to shower in the mornings.”

“Oh, right.” I can’t remember why I know that. After three years, some things just blend together. “Okay, well, you look like you’re about to pass out. You should go to bed.”

“Yeah,” he agrees, pulling himself to his feet.

“Good night, _roomie_ ,” I say, oddly fond of the word as it pertains to him.

“Good night, Suga.”

He stumbles to his room, and I go to take a shower. This living arrangement feels perfect for entering the next step of life. I think it’s because we’re best friends, but I don’t know. Not all best friends feel light in their chest when they watch their best friend sleepily stumble into their room.

 

“Where did you put the coffee maker?” Daichi asks as I walk into the kitchen.

I laugh. “You’re standing right in front of it.” I reach around him to pull it forward into plain sight. “And the coffee mugs are right above your head.”

“Oh.” His voice breaks a little, and I notice I’m probably too close to him.

“Tired?”

“Yeah.”

“Sleep okay?”

“Yeah.” After a moment, he adds, “I’m probably still tired because you made me carry all the heavy things.”

“Next time, we’ll make Asahi help us,” I promise. “Then, we can make him carry anything you don’t want to.”

“Next time?”

I pause from grabbing the coffee and filters. “Yeah. I mean, I don’t know if we’ll get to stay here all through university, right?”

“Right,” he says, taking them from me to start the coffee pot. “For some reason, I thought you meant after.”

“That too,” I assure him. “Whenever we move somewhere, you know?”

“Are we going to live together after college?”

“Probably.”

He smiles and looks away from me. “I hope we do.”

“Too soon to tell, don't you think?” I point out. “I could be horrible to live with.”

“Yeah, but I don't think you will be.”

The coffee is done brewing now, and the warmth and scent fill the tiny apartment. Suddenly, it feels more like a home than just a few minutes ago.

“Which mug do you want?” I ask, reaching up. I’m not short, exactly, but I’m not tall either, so it’s a bit of a stretch to reach the one I want. It’s a gag gift from the team – World’s Best Mom – but I love it so much, and unironically.

“Here.” He puts his hand on my back and reaches up around me to grab my mug, along with one for himself. It’s a Tokyo mug that he got when we came here for Nationals. Fond memories start coming to mind, but my heart feels heavy, too. Except that Daichi’s hand is against my back while he hands me my mug, and that makes my heart strangely light.

It’s a lot of feelings all at once.

“Thanks.”

“World’s Best Mom?” he reads, laughing. “You still have it.”

“Of course I do!” I grab the pot to pour myself some coffee, and hand it over to him. “I love this mug.”

“Why didn’t I ever get a mug?” he complains. “I was their parent as much as you were.”

I laugh. “Because, Daichi, they love me more.”

 

I have a feeling Daichi doesn’t really want to go to the bonfire, but we’re already here. I forget that he can be shy around large groups. We’ve spent the past three years surrounded by teammates, friends, but he’s not very outgoing. Not like me.

Some people are already drunk, which I think is ridiculous. All I’m drinking is water. I don’t think I would want to make a friend while drunk off my ass just to forget the encounter even happened. Daichi is close to me, and it’s almost like he’s trying to hide behind me.

“Hey,” this girl says, tapping me on the shoulder to get my attention. “Hi. My friend over there thinks your friend is really cute!”

I turn to Daichi, who hasn’t heard her. “Daichi,” I whisper, grabbing his arm.

“Hm?”

“My friend, she thinks you’re cute,” the girl repeats. “Do you mind if we join you?”

“Go ahead,” I tell her, hoping the conversation will help Daichi feel more comfortable.

Her friend tries to chat up Daichi, but he’s still overwhelmed. I feel his hand touch mine from time to time, making sure I’m still here. I think the first girl is saying something, but I don’t hear. I’m too worried about him.

“Suga,” the girl says, getting my attention. “I asked your major?”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I stammer before telling her I was pre-med.

“You two must already be friends,” she observes, seeing me not-so-subtly resting my hand on his arm.

“We went to high school together,” I tell her.

“Oh, that’s nice.”

“Yeah, now we’re living together!”

Her facial expression shifts, and I don’t understand why. “ _Oh_.”

“Huh?”

“Sorry, that explains why you didn’t seem interested in going out on Friday.”

I want to ask what she means, but I’m more confused about that. Did she ask me out?

“See you around.”

Her friend seems to have overheard, and they walk away together. I look at Daichi, who doesn’t seem as disappointed so much as annoyed.

“She liked you, Suga,” he says. “Weren’t you even listening to her?”

“I- I was!”

“She wanted to go out with you, and you completely missed it.” He rolls his eyes. “You always miss it.”

This feels like a slap. “What?”

“Girls are always flirting with you, and you miss it. You’re not paying attention.”

“What about the girl you were talking to? The one who thought you were cute?”

He shrugs. “I wasn’t interested. She was nice, but I really don’t want to date anyone.”

“I guess school will be busy enough, right?”

He opens his mouth like he wants to say something else, but he stops. “Yes. Right.”

 

It comes time for our first semester finals, and I don’t think I’ve slept in a week. I know they say college is hard, but I still feel like this is more than I bargained for. I can’t wait for the break after this. I just have to get through the studying.

I hear the door open and close, which means Daichi is home from his last class.

“Suga! I brought coffee!” He appears at my bedroom door, holding two drinks. “Do you want to study together in the living room?”

Usually, I would say no, because I know that I get distracted around him, but I’m starting to lose my mind being alone. “Yeah, sounds great.”

We sit together on the floor, transcribing notes and screaming over difficult problems. I can’t even imagine what it’s like for him, though, dealing with the volleyball club on top of this. It’s a lot more to keep up with than just in high school.

“Have you eaten dinner?” I ask. “I think there’s leftovers in the fridge.”

“I’m not hungry yet, but I’ll remember that.”

He doesn’t seem to be super hungry these days. I think it’s the sleep deprivation, but the mom friend in me wants to worry about him.

“You okay?”

He sighs. “Yes. I’m just stressed about finals.”

Something tells me that’s not all. “Are you sure? You can talk to me about anything.” I put my hand on his arm, wondering if being away from home is causing depression for him. It’s not easy for me, personally, so I would understand.

“I- I know. Can we please just keep working for right now, Suga?”

My heart falls. “Yeah. Sure, Daichi.”

He’s quiet as we continue, so I sit as close to him as possible. I can’t remember the last time I actually got so much work done when we studied together.

“Do you want to go out for dinner tonight?” he asks suddenly. “I’ve been saving up so I could take you – so we could go together – somewhere, after finals, but tonight… It just feels like a good night to go out.”

It’s the Friday before finals, which isn’t technically ideal. I want to study as much as possible this weekend and just review during the week, but this seems important to him.

“Yeah. Let’s go,” I say, smiling at him. “We hardly get to spend any real time together anymore.”

Though I hate it, it’s the truth. We live together, but between school and volleyball, Daichi is a ghost. I’m lucky if I get to see him in the evenings before falling asleep.

“I’m sorry about that,” he tells me. He looks worried that I’m upset, but I’m not. I get it. College is a busy time. I’m focused on classes – I take more classes than he does – and he’s focused on everything.

“Daichi, it’s okay.” I stand up and close my books for now, using my notebooks as bookmarks. “Where are you taking me?”

 

We’re sitting in a fancy restaurant in the middle of the city that I can’t believe a college kid can afford. He really must have been saving for this. It would have been a nice way to end finals, but this was good too.

I think our waitress thinks we’re on a date, because she lights the candle on the table which changes the mood a bit. Daichi turns red, but I think it’s nice to have the candlelight, so we don’t say anything.

I pull out my phone and take a picture of Daichi, catching the candlelight.

“What are you doing?” he laughs.

“Picture for Instagram!” I say, showing him my phone. “If I don’t post it, did it even happen? I want all my friends to be jealous that they don’t have guys taking them out like this.”

“Suga, you have more pictures of me on your Instagram than of you,” he teases.

“You’re more photogenic than me – and I’m in most of the ones you’re in!” I add, scrolling through my account. “See! Oh.” My heart pangs as I stumble across the picture from Nationals. “Remember this?”

“We should go back there before we go home,” he says, sipping his water.

“You mean tonight?”

“No, I mean on Saturday, before we go back _home_ home,” he clarifies.

“That makes more sense. Still got to study.”

“You’re always studying. Are you sleeping enough?” he asks.

“No,” I confess. “I’m okay, though. We have plenty of coffee. Oh, but we need to get bread tomorrow.”

“Okay, I can run to the store if you want me to.”

“I’ll go with you,” I insist. “I don’t want to study _all_ weekend, or I’ll cry.”

“Alright, then we’ll go together.” He leans on his hands and smiles, so I snap another picture. “Suga!”

“Sorry, sorry, I’m done now.”

“Everyone’s gonna think we’re on a date if you keep posting pictures like that.”

“Ah, let them think,” I say. For some reason, I don’t care if they think that. I almost hope that they do.

His eyes soften at that, though I’m not sure why. “Yeah. Let them think.”

 

We study for another hour when we get home, but it’s late, and we’re both exhausted. I don’t know when I fall asleep, but I’m awake now. Daichi isn’t, but I can see light filtering in through the living room windows.

I can’t get up, because he has an arm around me. I remember from volleyball camps that he did this sometimes, but usually, I would wait for him to get up. Now, he seems quite content to stay asleep.

A part of me is tempted to stay, but I know that I have to get up. We both do. If it’s that bright outside, it must be after nine already.

“Daichi,” I whisper, trying to turn in his arms to shake him. “Daichi. Daichi!”

“Huh?” He startles awake, and when he realizes he’s kind of holding me, he gets embarrassed. “I’m sorry. I must have fallen asleep and… sorry.”

“It makes up for falling asleep without a blanket,” I reassure him. I don’t see why he’s so bothered. It doesn’t seem like a big deal to me. Besides, I kind of like when he does this. Usually he rolls over and wakes up before he even realizes, so I can’t tell him that. I don’t think he knows he’s done it before.

“You- you don’t mind?”

I shake my head, reaching up for the blanket on our couch. “Not really. Are you still tired?” Suddenly, I’m less motivated to start waking up properly.

“K-kind of.”

“Here. You’re probably not as warm as me. We can stay here a little bit longer. If you want,” I add, not wanting to make him uncomfortable. I might be imagining it, but I think he’s holding onto me tighter now.

“Yeah. Okay.”

But I don’t think I can sleep. I’m not fully convinced that he can either.

 

“Do we need anything else?” I ask Daichi, throwing bread into the basket.

“We should probably make sure we have food for real meals,” he suggests.

“This is college, Daichi. No one eats well-rounded meals. No one can afford to.”

“You’re right; I should have been saving for groceries,” he sighs, frowning at the list he brought.

“We could have eaten for a week with what it cost for one dinner. Was I really _worth that_?” I tease.

“Yes,” he replies without thinking. Then, after having thought, apparently, he freezes. “We needed a study break.”

“Next time we need a study break, we’ll just take a walk or something.” I browse the aisle, wondering if we need anything right this moment. “Should we grab some frozen meals just to have them on hand?”

“Probably. Ramen?”

“Always a good idea.”

“Do we need any more coffee?”

“No, we still have loads.”

“Okay. Hey, Suga?”

“Yeah?”

“Why haven’t you joined any clubs yet? Don’t you want to make new friends?”

It’s funny, getting lectured about being social by him. At the end of the day, though, he’s better at putting himself in situations to make friends than me. I can hold a conversation, but I know that it’s not the same. All the friends I’ve made in classes this semester won’t last into the next one. That’s just how it goes.

“Of course I do.”

On the surface, it’s even true. But more truthfully, I miss my old friends right now, from high school. I feel like I’m betraying the team if I find a new group. Why can’t I just wait until they’re at university too? Then, we can all hang out again, like we used to.

“You still use the mug that they gave you every day. You text them in our old chat constantly. They know you haven’t forgotten about them, Suga.”

My shoulders slump as I stare at our food. “Now that I’m done with volleyball, I don’t really know what I want to be a part of.”

“If you find a club you want to try to go to, I’ll go with you.”

“What about volleyball?”

“It’s at a good time to not conflict with a lot of clubs,” he assures me. “I’ll go with you to anything, okay?”

 

Before our train home, Daichi keeps his promise and takes me back to the beach. Now that it’s warmer, it’s even nicer. Sure, it’s not sunset, but it’s still beautiful.

“Picture?” I request, taking out my phone.

“You and pictures.”

“I like to remember things.”

He gets into the frame so I can snap a quick photo that recreates the first one, but then I step back.

“Smile!”

“Suga,” he laughs, and I snap the picture while he’s laughing. That’s something worth remembering.

“Turn and look at the ocean!”

He rolls his eyes, but he does it.

“Perfect!”

“You should try and join the photography club,” he jokes.

“Maybe I should.”

I won’t, though.

 

At the end of freshman year, Daichi gets invited to a volleyball team party.

“I can bring someone,” he tells me, “so, why don’t you come?”

“Are you sure?” I like everyone on the team, but I’m not sure if I will be any good at hanging around them. I’ve seen all their games this year, but I haven’t really talked to any of them before. I probably know their date mates better than I know them.

“I really wouldn’t want to go if you weren’t there with me,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck like he does when embarrassed. “Parties aren’t my scene.”

“I’ll go,” I agree. “But I’m not going to wear this to a party.”

“Suga, you look fine.”

I’m just wearing a t-shirt and ripped jeans, though. It doesn’t feel good enough. “I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you just wear your jacket? It’s a whole look, I promise.” When he sees I don’t believe him, he adds, “You look good in whatever you’re wearing.”

A part of me wonders how he would feel if I wasn’t wearing anything. I don’t know why I thought that, though, so I shut it down instantly.

 

“People are drinking,” Daichi groans when we walk in. “Parties.”

Daichi doesn’t drink, and neither do I, but I’m so nervous that I’m tempted to take shots of tequila.

“Sawamura!” one of the guys calls. “You brought your boyfriend!”

“Not my boyfriend,” Daichi sighs.

“Fiancé! Sorry!”

Daichi starts to turn red and stammer out another correction, but I just grab his hand. “Hi, Sakai-san.”

“Sugawara, right? Hey, man!” He claps me on the back before going to refill his drink.

“I don’t tell people we’re together,” Daichi assures me.

“Let them think,” I say, leaning against him. “They’re going to talk one way or another.”

“I’m just glad we don’t have to give up our apartment.”

“Yeah. Come on; let’s socialize. Introduce me to people!”

“They’re all drunk of their asses,” he sighs.

“Then get me drunk of my ass, and let’s make some friends.”

 

I don’t remember much else from the night. All I know is that it’s morning, my head is pounding, and I feel like I’m going to throw up. I’m on a bed that I don’t recognize, and Daichi is laying next to me, scrolling through his phone.

“Morning,” he says without even looking.

I just whine in response, because I feel completely miserable. I roll over to lay against him, my head on his chest.

“Want me to get you some coffee, Suga?” he asks.

I bury my face in his shirt to block out the light and shake my head. He puts his hand on my back, but then moves it away as quickly as he put it there.

“You kissed one of the guys last night,” he says. I almost think he sounds mad. “Higashi, middle blocker, couple years older than us. You got his number even.”

I slowly look up at him, blinking. “I did what?”

“You also professed your gayness to the entire team.”

“I’m gay?” I repeat, and that just sounds stupid. I would have to answer that, not him. “I’m gay. That makes a lot of sense.”

“Do you want to even meet Higashi while you’re both sober?”

“No,” I say so quickly I almost don’t process it. “No. I’m sorry. I was here with you.”

“We weren’t on a date, Suga.”

“I embarrassed you in front of the team, though.”

“At least no one thinks you’re my fiancé anymore,” he grunts.

For some reason, I don’t feel good about that.

“D-Daichi, I-”

“Let’s get you coffee, okay?”

I get off of him and watch as he gets up and walks to the door.

“Daichi! Is this about me not telling you I like guys?”

He turns around and looks at me, confused. “Of course it isn’t about that. I like guys too, Suga. I just expected to tell you that when you weren’t hungover in my captain’s bed.”

 

It’s spring break, now, and things still feel strange. I feel like I cheated on him, but he’s not my boyfriend. Everyone just assumes he is. I haven’t even called Higashi.

I’m about to pour myself coffee, but I’m too lost in thought, and my grip slips. My mug falls into the sink, crashing.

“Shit!” I gasp, staring down at the shattered pieces. It’s stupid, and I know that. But it’s the last gift that my team gave me before we graduated. It’s gone now, just like everything else.

“Suga!” Daichi grabs my arms and looks me over, making sure I didn’t get cut. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

“No, I just…” My lip is shaking, and my heart feels like it’s falling apart at the seams. “It was…”

He picks up the biggest piece. “Oh, Suga. I’m so sorry.” He is looking at what remained of “World’s Best Mom”.

I feel ridiculous, but I’m crying. I haven’t made one new lasting friendship in the past year because I miss my old friends so much. The only ones I see regularly are Daichi and Asahi. I don’t have anything else. I’m not on a team like Daichi or working with people like Asahi.

I don’t need to explain myself to Daichi, though; I never do. He just steps closer and hugs me. I try not to cry into his shirt so much, but I already have. He doesn’t seem to care.

“I- I miss everyone. I miss you.”

He inhales sharply when I say that. “W-what? Suga, we live together.”

“You have new friends. Everyone has new friends. I don’t know how to do that, okay?”

He squeezes me tighter. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were lonely.”

“I’m homesick, Daichi.”

“Then let’s go home this week, Suga. We’ll see everyone, okay? Anything that you need.”

I feel bad for crying on him like this, but he just keeps holding onto me. I can hear his heartbeat, and one of his hands is on the back of my head. After four years of knowing him, I can assert that there is nothing his hugs don’t fix.

 

When we go back to our apartment, Asahi comes with us.

“So, Asahi, have you gotten a girlfriend since we last saw you?” I ask, nudging him with my elbow.

“Uh, well…” He starts to turn red. “Just recently, someone confessed to me…and I accepted.”

I gasp. “Asahi! Tell me all about it!”

“It was Nishinoya.”

My jaw drops, but Daichi just continues eating his pizza.

“I did _not_ see that coming! Congratulations, Asahi! Wow, and I thought I was good at knowing when someone likes someone!”

“No,” Asahi sighs, smiling kindly at me. “You’re just good at knowing when someone likes Daichi.”

I stare at him, my mouth slightly open. I don’t even know what to say.

He changes the subject. “What about you, Suga? Are you dating anyone?”

I shake my head. “No, but I did come out as gay, apparently.”

“He was drunk off his ass and it was at a party with my team,” Daichi explains.

“Good for you, Suga,” Asahi compliments, patting my arm. “I’m really happy for you. Do you like any guys right now?”

“He kissed one of my teammates,” Daichi says before I can answer, “but he hasn’t called him yet.”

“I’m not going to,” I remind him, “because I don’t want to. I don’t think I kissed him because I liked him.”

“Do you like anyone?” Asahi presses.

“I don’t know,” I admit. I’ve never thought about it before.

“What about you, Daichi?”

“Yeah, I do,” Daichi says, but that’s all he says on the matter.

I don’t know why I’m so bothered by it.

 

“I got asked on a date,” Daichi tells me. It’s still early in the semester, but one of the guys in his Business Law class has been checking him out the past few days. I’m not surprised he finally said something.

“Are you going?” I ask.

“I- I don’t know. Do you think I should?”

“Yeah! You said he’s cute!”

“I know, but-”

“And he’s _nice_ , and he’s _funny_!”

“I know, but-”

“Daichi!” I shake his shoulders. “You should say yes! Call him! Right now!”

He looks uncertain, but he takes his phone out. “H-hi! Sato, it’s me, Sawamura Daichi. Yeah, I- yeah. Friday sounds great. Okay. I’ll meet you there. Yeah.” He hangs up and crumples on the couch.

“You did great!” I promise, putting an arm around him. “I’ll see if Asahi is free on Friday, and you won’t have to worry about leaving me alone.”

I am in a club now – it’s a club for LGBT+ kids in STEM fields at our school – but we don’t meet on Friday nights. Usually, I’ll hang out with Kiyoko – we’re over the marriage proposal now that we’re both out as gay – or with Daichi, when he’s not practicing for volleyball. This weekend, Kiyoko is going back home to see her girlfriend, so I need someone to hang out with.

“None of your STEM friends are available?”

“I’ll see, but I miss Asahi!”

“I miss him too – ask him to stay the night, so I can spend time with him too!”

“I will!”

 

Daichi comes out of his room in just a towel, holding two options. “What should I wear?!”

I start choking on my tea. I don’t know why I felt the need to inhale just now. “Uh- you uh-” Suddenly, it’s as if I’m completely brain dead.

“Suga?”

“Sorry! The- the white one!” I say. “The white button-down!”

“Alright.”

“Wear your black skinny jeans! They’re, uh- it’ll look good!”

“Thanks,” he sighs, walking back to his room. I try to remember how to breathe.

He comes back out, wearing what I told him to, but it’s all wrong. His shirt is tucked in and buttoned all the way up.

“Oh, Daichi,” I laugh, getting up and walking over to him. “No, no, no.” I take his hand and unbutton the sleeve cuff, rolling it up, then do the same to the other side. “You don’t tuck in your shirt for a somewhat casual date. It looks stuffy – and in jeans? Come on.” I pull up his shirt a little and smooth it out.

He turns red. “S-Suga!” After a moment, he asks, “Anything else?”

“You don’t need to button this all the way,” I explain, undoing the first couple of buttons. For some reason, my breath catches. “I- I’m sorry.”

“I shouldn’t go,” he blurts out, trembling as he looks down at me. I’m still holding his shirt, and I don’t know why. “I can stay. We still have time before Asahi gets back-”

“Y-you should go,” I argue, turning away. “This is important to you.”

“It’s not that important.”

“Suga.” He puts his hands over mine, pulling them off his shirt, but he doesn’t let go. “I don’t really have to do this. I barely even know him.”

I look back at him, wondering why I’m starting to shake too. “I…” My brain tells me to kiss him. I don’t know where that thought came from. Before I can react to the thought, I hear our door open.

“Hey, Suga, Daichi!”

“Asahi!” I call back, voice breaking. “Hey!”

“I, um, I should get going!” Daichi stammers, giving Asahi a quick hug before heading out.

“Suga, are you okay?” Asahi asks after the door closes.

I sit down on the couch, not really sure how to answer. “He- he has a date tonight!”

 

After about an hour of chatting with Asahi, my phone rings. It’s someone I haven’t talked to in quite a while.

“Hey, Kuroo?”

“Suga-san, hey,” he sighs from the other end. “You know the restaurant where Daichi was having his date tonight?”

My heart stops dead. “Yeah?”

“I’m here with him. You- you should come right away. He keeps asking for you.”

“I’ll be right there.” I hang up and grab Asahi’s arm. “We’ve got to go.”

 

After I practically ran to the restaurant, I’m relieved to see Daichi isn’t physically hurt. Kuroo and Kenma are sitting at a table with him, talking to him.

“Daichi!” I call, waving. “Kuroo, Kenma, hey!”

“Hi, Koushi,” Kenma greets. Most everyone calls me Suga, but Kenma uses everyone’s given name. Usually I hate when people do it, but when _they_ do, it’s different. It’s like they want you to know that you’re their friend, and they care about you a lot.

“Is he okay?”

“Hey~!” Daichi slurs, gaping up at me.

“Oh my god, are you _drunk_?” I gasp.

“He has been since we got here,” Kuroo sighs. “I saw his date leave after pretending to head to the bathroom.”

My concern turns to anger. “He did _what_?”

“Yeah, I’m just glad I was here with Kenma tonight. How far do you live?”

“It’s a few blocks.”

“Kenma and I are only around the corner. We’ll take him to my place.”

I nod. “Okay.” I turn to Daichi. “Hey, are you okay?”

“Whoa,” he says, completely unaware of himself. “You know, they say I have a fiancé, so you shouldn’t flirt with me.”

I try to smile. “Fiancé?”

“Yeah. He snot _really_ my fiancé but – _hic!_ – everyone thinks so!”

“Sounds like a very lucky guy.”

“Yeah!” he agrees, smiling sloppily. “ _Wow_ , you’re pretty! I love your _eyes_!” He touches my cheek and leans in to look closer. “Wow.”

“Your fiancé won’t mind you flirting with me, then?”

“Pfffff, if he _minded_ , would I be on a _date_?”

“Where is your date?” I ask.

“He left. I don’t care though! I didn’t like him very much.”

“Here, I’ll pay for your meal.” I pick up the bill and pull out enough cash from my wallet to cover it.

“Come on, Sawamura,” Kuroo says, “you’re coming home with me and Kenma.”

“You and Kenma,” Daichi gasps, “are so cute together! How long have you been dating?”

“It’s our one-year anniversary,” Kenma tells him.

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper to them.

They shake their head and smile kindly. “I want to go home and play video games anyhow. It’s okay, Koushi.”

“Come on,” Asahi says, putting an arm around Daichi and helping him up. “Let’s get you home.”

 

We’re all sitting in Kuroo’s and Kenma’s living room, not sure what to do. Daichi is laying across my lap, trying to figure out why the couch is spinning.

“You have – _hic!_ – a beauty mark by your eye!” Daichi gasps, poking my cheek. “Just like Suga!”

I’m not sure at what point I should tell him that I _am_ Suga.

“Thanks for calling me, Kuroo,” I say, smiling over at him. “Especially since it’s your anniversary.”

“It’s not a problem,” he assures me. “Daichi is my friend, too, and I wanted to make sure he was okay.”

“You’re a good friend, Tetsurou!” Daichi tells him. He looks back at me and gasps. “Suga! When did you get here!?”

“Just recently, Daichi,” I sigh.

He starts to say something, but then he starts to fall asleep instead.

“Do you have somewhere we can put him?” I ask.

“You can take my room,” Kenma offers. “I won’t be using it tonight anyhow.”

“What about Asahi?”

“I can sleep on the couch,” he says. “Or the floor, if you need the couch.”

“No, I’ll sleep on the floor,” I assure him. “Let’s get this one to bed, though.”

With Kuroo’s help, I get Daichi standing and walk him to Kenma’s room.

“Where’re you goin’?” he gasps as I head back to the door.

“I’m going to sleep in the living room,” I explain.

“No, please stay!” he asks.

I look at Kuroo who nods. “I’ll let Asahi know.”

I sit next to Daichi on the bed. “You okay?”

He shrugs. “ _Suga_ ,” he whines, “why did he _leave_ the date?”

My heart drops. “I don’t know. He must be an idiot, Daichi.”

“I was so nervous!” He slumps against me, but he’s too heavy and I fall back. “Oh! Sorry!”

“It’s okay,” I say, patting his head.

He snuggles up on my chest and sighs. “I just wanted him to like me, but he didn’t. I was so nervous that I just kept drinking my wine fast, and-”

“He left you while you were drunk?” I gasp.

“No! He left before then.” He whimpers. “I don’t know why I care. I didn’t even like him that much. It’s just so embarrassing! This was my first date.”

I wrap my arms around him. “You deserve much better than this, Daichi. I wish I could make it up to you. I’m sorry that I pressured you to go.”

He let out a long sigh, pressing in closer to me. “ _No_.” After a moment, he gasps. “Suga! I saw someone who looks just like you tonight!!”

“Did you?”

“Yeah! He even had the mark by his eye,” he says, reaching up to touch my face. “You’re so pretty, Suga.”

“Thank you, Daichi.”

“You’re my best friend, Koushi. I love you.”

I feel a little intoxicated myself, suddenly. “Yeah?”

“Ye.”

“I love you too, Daichi.”

He looks up, his nose almost touching mine. “You do? Really? You mean it?”

I force a smile. “Yeah, Daichi. I mean it.”

He lays back on my chest. “Good. I mean it too.”

 

I wake up, and he’s still using me as a pillow. He’s drooling a little bit, but I don’t hold it against him. He fell asleep drunk. I’m sure I drooled on him too when I was drunk.

I stroke his hair, wondering what this feeling is supposed to be. He’s never touched me so much while he’s awake, and he’s definitely never complimented me like that before. It was one thing when he thought I was someone else, but when he knew it was me…

No. He was drunk last night, so it doesn’t mean anything.

He stirs, looking up at me sleepily. “Good morning, Koushi.” He starts to fall back asleep almost immediately. Before he can, he jumps up off of me. “Suga!”

“Hey,” I say, sitting up. “You’re awake.”

“Where- where are we?”

“Kuroo’s place,” I explain. “He ran into you last night after your date.”

“After my…” He frowns, but then realization pours into his face. “Oh, god.” He flops back onto the bed.

“You’re hungover?” I guess.

“No, I feel fine,” he says. “Not like you, after you drank for the first time. God, I can’t believe he just left me there.”

“I should get Kuroo and Asahi to go kick his ass,” I growl.

“No, it’s okay. I just wish he’d told me. We weren’t having a good time, Suga.”

“I’m sorry that your first date sucked.”

“You can make it up to me,” he offers.

“Yeah?”

“Take me to dinner tonight, and it’s water under the bridge that you forced me on this date.”

“I paid for your dinner last night; was that not enough?”

“You did?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, it wasn’t enough. I want to feel appreciated on a date.”

“It’s a date?”

“No,” he sighs, “but you’ll take a picture, and everyone will think that it is.”

“That’s true,” I say. My heart is sort of falling, though.

We leave the room together, and Asahi looks at me in concern.

“Suga, are you okay?” he whispers.

“No,” I reply. “I’m in love with Daichi.”

 

A lot of things start to make sense now that I know how I feel. What’s killing me, though, is the knowledge that there’s no way he would feel the same. He didn’t tell me he loves me. He said that he loves me, _his best friend_. There’s a clear difference, and it would be crossing a line to try and confess to him.

But now, when he comes into the living room wearing a towel, I’m not confused when I choke on my drink. I just stop drinking anything when I know Daichi is in the shower. When we fall asleep studying together, I make sure to savor him holding me. It’s the best that I’m going to get.

It’s June, and we have a few days off from school, just in time for my birthday. I’m happy that we get to go home, and Kuroo and Kenma have agreed to join us for dinner with our old team. I really appreciate those two, especially since the date situation. I still feel bad for ruining their anniversary, but I’m pretty sure that they made up for it that night anyhow.

“Happy birthday!” Daichi calls that morning, hugging me from behind as soon as I’m out of my room. “How do you feel?”

“Like I’m a sleep-deprived pre-med student in need of coffee?” I say. “Thank you, Daichi.”

He squeezes me a little tighter before letting go. “We have a whole day planned!”

“We do?”

“Yes!”

“I thought we were just going home for dinner with the guys?”

“But first, I’m going to make you breakfast! Then, we’re going to visit the ocean again, because we don’t do that enough. We can even swim if you want! _Then_ , we’ll catch our train, and we’re seeing your parents. Then dinner.”

I want to kiss him; he’s just made me so happy. But I don’t, because I know he wouldn’t want me to. He doesn’t even know I’m in love with him.

“That sounds amazing.”

“Are you crying, Suga?”

“No,” I say, right before I start crying.

He hugs me one more time. “You’ve seemed sad and distant lately. I wanted today to be perfect.”

“Every day with you is perfect,” I tell him quietly. “Breakfast?”

“Yeah!”

 

We’re at dinner with the old team, and I don’t think this could be a better day. Daichi has put so much effort into the day. I would have been happy with the smallest things, but he’s made it big and perfect.

I laugh when I see how Nishinoya and Asahi are all over each other; I wish I’d been paying attention before. This time, I am. I notice how Hinata keeps poking Kageyama and looking lovingly at him, and how Tsukishima looks at all of us with disdain until he looks at Yamaguchi. I notice Tanaka and Ennoshita holding hands under the table, and I notice that Yachi – a gorgeous third-year now – must be Kiyoko’s mysterious “girlfriend back home”.

“We got you something,” Yamaguchi says, smiling brightly. “Here! Open it!”

I take the gift from him and unwrap it. When I open up the box, I find a mug. _World’s Best Mom._

“Daichi said your old one broke!” Hinata explains, bouncing in his seat. “We had to replace it!”

I laugh, but I also start crying. “Thank you, guys. I love it!”

“We love you!” Noya cries.

It really is the best birthday.

 

We’re staying at Daichi’s parents’ house tonight, but they’re not home. I’m drinking green tea in my new favorite mug, still smiling every time I look at it.

“I’m glad that they could replace it,” Daichi says, sitting next to me on the couch. “You were so sad when the first one broke.”

“Thank you,” I whisper, setting the mug down and leaning against him. “Today was amazing.” I think I’m starting to cry again.

“You’ve cried three times, are you sure?” he laughs.

I turn myself to hug him, burying my face in his shirt. “It’s the best day I’ve ever had, Daichi. Thank you.”

I want to tell him that I love him, and this is why. I want to kiss him. I want to end the note on another perfect note. Instead, I just ask:

“Is it okay if I sleep with you tonight?”

And even though he looks confused, he smiles and nods. “Of course, yeah.”

 

“Hey, Koushi!” That’s one of the guys in my biology class, as well as one of the guys in the STEM club. “Tonight’s couple’s night! You should bring your pre-law boyfriend!”

“He’s not exactly my boyfriend,” I sigh.

“Right, fiancé, whatever! Bring him! See you tonight!”

 

When Daichi gets home, I wonder how to approach him with this. I decide to just go as directly as possible.

“Daichi, we’re going out.”

“Okay?” he says, confused as I grab his hand and drag him back out the door.

I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything. I just power walk all the way to the meeting room.

“Everyone here has assumed you’re my fiancé,” I blurt out. “I can never explain to them otherwise, because they won’t listen.”

“Couples’ night,” he reads aloud, staring at the sign. “I don’t think this is helping your case, Suga.”

“Whatever!” I cry. “Please, just come with me. Maybe we can sort this out.”

He tightens his grip on my hand. “Maybe we don’t have to.”

“Daichi?”

He walks me into the room, smiling at the people he doesn’t know. I can tell he’s feeling nervous, but he doesn’t seem to want to show it.

“Koushi! Koushi’s fiancé!” the guy from biology cheers.

“Sawamura Daichi,” he introduces himself.

“He’s _cute_ , good for you, Koushi!”

I blush and thank him. Then, I turn to Daichi. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” he promises. “Come on.”

He puts an arm around my waist, and I start to feel weak in the knees. “O-okay.”

Everyone is showing off their date mates, and I’m showing off my best friend. But his arms are around me, and no one thinks he’s just a friend. I don’t want him to be just a friend. A part of me wants more than anything to tell him how I feel.

But I won’t.

 

I’m studying for first semester finals in our last year of college, when Daichi gets home late from practice. He sits behind me on the floor and rests his chin on my shoulder, looking at what I’m doing. He does stuff like that a lot now – he has for over a year, ever since the STEM club.

“What are you doing?” he asks, and I feel his eyelashes on my cheek.

“Studying, like you should be,” I say, nudging him off of me. “You stink. Take a shower.” A part of my brain almost offers to join him. I shut that part down.

He comes back afterwards, resuming his earlier position. “Most of my finals were this week, so I don’t have much studying to do.”

“Well, don’t distract me,” I chastise him.

“Is this distracting you?” he asks, putting his arms around me.

“Yes!”

“Really?” He leans over until he can make eye contact with me.

“Stop,” I laugh. “I can’t believe I’ve agreed to live with you all through university. You’re so distracting.”

“But you love me,” he teases. “Right?”

I push his face away. “Not right now, I don’t.” I notice that he used my shampoo this time instead of his own, but I don’t really care. “Do you need to get more of your shampoo from the store tomorrow? I can grab it for you.”

“Are you smelling my hair?”

“No, but you are shoving it in my face. Doesn’t answer my question.”

“Yes, I do need more shampoo,” he laughs. “I’m not shoving my hair in your face.” He moves around me and does just that. “Now I am.”

“Daichi!” I want to push him away, but I’m also giggling like a fool. It didn’t surprise me that people thought we were a couple. Sometimes, we felt like one.

“What?” he asks, leaning onto me until I fall over.

“I – haha – I have to study!”

“It’s only _Friday_. You have all weekend to study!”

“You’re like a needy cat that pushes things off your desk until you pay attention to it!”

“No, that’s Kenma.”

“Crows aren’t meant to be so _needy_ ,” I laugh as he wrestles me down.

“I’m attention starved. My best friend is a pre-med student who only hangs out with his STEM friends anymore!”

“I do not!”

“You do so!”

I’m completely pinned, but to be fair, I’m not really putting much effort into fighting back.

“I don’t mean to. You’re the volleyball captain, though. I don’t want to bug you too much.”

“You can bug me whenever you want to, Suga.” He isn’t fighting me anymore, so much as leaning over me weirdly. “I miss you.”

“I can tell,” I laugh. He’s fully laying on me, now, but I don’t think I care. “Do you want to go out tonight or something?”

“I just want to hang out,” he says, laying his head on me. “We don’t really have to go anywhere.”

I can think of a few good ways to spend the evening, but none that I would dare to say out loud.

“We can watch a movie,” he suggests.

“Okay,” I say, because I need to stop thinking about the other stuff.

If I didn’t know better, I would think he knows I like him, and that he knows that’s how easy it is to get me to agree to anything. But he gets off me and sits on the couch, and I remember that there’s no way he knows. I’m not that obvious. I’m so discreet that I didn’t even know I was crushing on him until recently.

He turns on a movie we’ve seen a million times, then puts his arm around me. Again, I really do understand why everyone thinks we’re a couple. But if we were, I could kiss him right now. We’re not, though, and I can’t do anything but lean against him and watch the movie.

He puts his other hand over mine, not subtly at all. Part of me hopes that he’s thinking the same thing as me, but I know he isn’t. We both hold hands with Asahi casually all the time, and we both cuddle with him. That’s just how our friend group is.

Still, I live for these moments of closeness, so I trace my fingers through his and listen to his heart beat more than the dialogue. He leans his head against mine, and my heart hurts. I think I’m imagining him squeeze my hand tighter, but then again, maybe it isn’t my imagination. I don’t know why I’m torturing myself.

“Koushi…”

Daichi doesn’t use my given name often, and I almost jump. “Y-yeah?”

“Are you sure you just want to watch this movie?”

I tense up in his arms. “What do you mean?”

“You don’t seem to be paying very much attention to it,” he says, and I feel his breath on my ear. “Your favorite part just played, and you didn’t even laugh.”

“I-I’m just tired,” I lie. “Studying.”

He lets go of my hand to grab the remote and pauses it. “Do you want to go to bed, then?”

_No, I want to stay here with you._ “Yeah – no – I don’t know. Maybe I should shower first. Yeah. I’ve got to take a shower.”

I sit on the shower floor, letting water fall over me. I can’t tell if he’s trying to flirt with me or not. All I know is that I want to run out there and kiss him. Maybe I will, if I work up enough courage.

But I won’t.

 

When I get out of the shower, he’s still sitting on the couch.

“Hey,” I say, my voice breaking.

“Hey.” He turns around. “I still want to spend time with you tonight, if that’s okay.”

“It’s okay.”

“So, sleep in my room with me tonight?”

My lip quivers, but I nod. “Yeah, okay.”

I lay down with him, staring at the ceiling. I’m such a touch-starved gay, except also not. Daichi is almost always touching me, just in none of the ways I want him to.

“Are you okay?” he asks me, nudging me with his knee. “When did you become the quiet one here?”

I laugh, but there isn’t much happiness in it. “I like just being with you, Daichi. What are we going to do when this year is over?”

“It’s not over,” he says, rolling over to look at me. “We still have half the year.”

“I don’t want it to be over.” I don’t mean to start crying, but I am. “I don’t want to move out.”

“It’s not a student building; we can still live here!” He touches my cheek and wipes away the tears. “Hey, I’m not going anywhere.”

“What about when some guy snatches you up?” I sniffle. “An- and you get _married_ to him and then I’m just some guy you knew in school.”

“That will _never_ happen. You will never be just someone. You are…” He laughs and hides his face in my chest for a moment. “Oh, Suga. You are so important to me.” He pulls me closer to him, one hand on my back, the other in my hair.

“Really?” I murmur, my face in his shoulder.

“You’re over-tired, Suga. You should sleep.”

I’m a little beyond being embarrassed about showing emotion, now. I don’t want to let go of him, so I put an arm and leg around him to keep him close.

 

It’s still the winter break, but we left home early this year. Tokyo is starting to feel like home now.

“It’s so cold,” I complain. “My hands are frozen.”

“You always forgot your gloves,” he points out. “You should just keep a pair in your coat.”

“Why do that, when I have a best friend who always is warm?” I joke, grabbing his hand with one hand, arm with the other.

“If I didn’t know better, I would think you forget them on purpose,” he says, putting his free hand over mine on his arm.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” But I do, and he’s not wrong. I love when he keeps me warm, and I love that he does it every time. It’s so easy.

“No?”

“Nope!”

If _I_ didn’t know better, I would think that he likes that I forget them on purpose. But I do know better.

 

The end of school comes, as it must, and we don’t renew our apartment lease. I’m trying not to feel crushed, but it’s so hard. I’m finishing up packing, and Daichi isn’t even home. He told me a few hours ago that he was apartment hunting. Apartment hunting, without me. Right.

He promised that he wasn’t going anywhere, but he is. He isn’t my boyfriend, no matter what everyone thinks. It doesn’t matter if we cuddle on the couch, hold hands when we walk together, sleep in the same bed more often than not.

He’s not my boyfriend.

“Suga, I’m back!” His voice rings through the apartment, walls empty of paintings and pictures, most of our furniture displaced.

“Hi.” I don’t want to go and greet him, but it doesn’t matter. He’s standing in my doorway now. “What?”

“I found a great apartment,” he says, holding up two keys. _Two keys._ “It only has one bedroom, but there’s a lot of living space. If you’re going to nursing school, and I’m going to law school, I figured we might need more room for our desks.”

“What?”

“Well, I know you were studying when I brought it up, but I thought we needed more space! This was great for while we were undergrads, but for graduate school, we need something bigger.”

“One bedroom?”

“Yeah. I mean, we sleep together anyways, right?” I don’t say anything, so he walks in and sits in front of my box. “It’s a two-year lease, so it should last us through grad school.”

“Then what?” I ask.

He kisses my forehead and shrugs. “Maybe we can start saving up for a house.”

“To rent?”

“To buy, hopefully.”

“I-I thought you were moving without me.”

“I promised you that I wouldn’t, Suga.” He turns to face me, eyes dark with worry. “I would never break a promise to you.”

Usually, I restrain myself, but I’m too happy right now. I throw myself forward and tackle him in a hug.

“Daichi, I think I’ve become a little co-dependent.”

“Interdependent,” he corrects. “And distracted by busy school. It’s okay.” He squeezes me closer to him, drawing circles on my back. If I was braver, I’d kiss him this time.

But I’m not.

 

We keep our decision to make Asahi help us move this time. He brings Noya, who brings Tanaka, who brings Ennoshita. It’s like a high school reunion. We definitely don’t need this much help to move.

“You owe us when I move into Asahi’s apartment next month,” Noya tells us.

“Of course,” I laugh, taking the other end of the couch. “Thanks for your help today, Yuu.”

“How come no one helped us move into our apartment last year?” Tanaka complains.

“You didn’t ask,” Ennoshita reminds him, kissing him on the cheek before carrying out another box.

“To be fair, we only asked for Asahi’s help,” Daichi says, lifting a box of books. “Are you seriously keeping all these textbooks, Koushi?”

“Hey, I spent my life’s savings on those god forsaken things. Yeah, I’m keeping them. I’ll read them to my future grandchildren as bedtime stories!”

“How much do we have left?” Asahi asks after setting another box in the moving truck.

“I think it’s just us now, and our suitcases of clothes,” Daichi guesses, looking back in the apartment.

A part of me is sad to see it empty, but the rest of me is excited for what lies ahead. Anything could happen now.

An arm is put around my waist, a head on my shoulder. “It’s weird to see it empty, right?”

“Yeah.”

“New places, new memories.”

“New experiences.”

“Yeah.”

“I’d go anywhere with you, Daichi.”

That’s the closest thing to a confession that I’ve ever said.

 

There are mostly empty boxes scattered around our new apartment, but it’s gotten late, and I’m tired. It’s the third day we’ve spent here, and we still aren’t done unpacking.

“Almost done,” Daichi sighs, shoving away another box. “When did we get so much stuff, Koushi?”

“Adulthood,” I guess, flopping down on the floor. “I’m so tired. Can we finish up in the morning?”

We’ve been sleeping on the floor the past few nights, because we don’t have a big enough set of sheets for our bed. _Our bed._ I push the thought out of my head, because it’s not like that. I don’t know how it _is_ , just that it’s not like that.

He walks over to me and sits next to me. “We still have to go shopping in the morning. There’s only a couple left. Can’t we push through?”

I just whine and put my head in his lap. “No.”

“What are you going to do when you have to study for an exam all night?” he laughs.

“Cry?”

“Come on, _Nurse Sugawara_. We have dreams to chase and goals to accomplish.”

“In the morning.”

“The first goal is unpacking by tonight.”

I pout, looking up at him as sadly as I can manage.

“I’ve known you for too long. It’s not going to work.”

I wrap my arms around him and pout harder, batting my lashes.

“You think we raised ten kids together so that I would cave every time my _best friend_ looked at me like that?”

It’s really too bad that we’re not together for real, because it would make this so much easier. I rest my chin on his shoulder and continue frowning.

He turns to look at me, but before he can tell me to keep unpacking, he turns red. “Uh- I- S-Suga…”

I smile sweetly. “Yes?”

He sighs and looks away. “C-come on!”

I feel a little guilty for pouting so long, so I’m the one who caves. I almost wonder if he gets embarrassed on purpose when this happens, because it always works.

“Okay, but I’m going to complain the entire time.”

I don’t, though.

 

“They feel soft! Let’s get these ones!” I show him the sheet set I found, but he doesn’t seem impressed.

“They’re expensive! What about these ones?” He shows me what he’s found.

“Those aren’t the right size, Daichi.”

“What?” He looks at them, then sighs. “Dammit. You’re right.”

“I know,” I say, patting his cheek. “Okay, what about these?”

“I don’t like the texture. What about these?”

“Kind of a gross color.”

“Does it matter? No one but us will see them.”

“Exactly, and I don’t like the color.”

He groans and shakes his head. “Jeez, can you imagine what’s going to happen when we’re-?” He stops. “Never mind.”

“When we’re what?”

“When we’re picking out furniture and curtains and stuff when we eventually get a house,” he mutters so quickly I barely catch it.

I feel almost giddy at the thought of it. “That’ll be easy! I’ll pick everything, because you have bad taste.”

“I do not! My taste is functional and cost-effective.”

“Bad taste,” I repeat, grabbing his hand so he won’t grab another ugly sheet set.

“You’re right, sorry, Med School-kun, I forgot that we were working with limitless funds.”

“Hey! Law School-kun, like you’re any better in that department!”

“We’re going to be poor college students for the rest of our life,” he laughs.

“Our what?”

“Our lives.”

“Right.” But I know that isn’t what he said the first time. “Um…here! What about these ones? Soft, pretty, and not too expensive!”

He looks at them and shrugs. “They’ll do.”

“Well, do you like them?”

“They’re alright, yeah.”

“You have to _sleep_ in them, Daichi. If you don’t like them, we’ll pick something else.”

He feels the sheets. “They’re soft enough. Put them in the basket.”

“Okay, good. Now we have to find a comforter.”

His face falls. “Oh, god. It took us forty minutes to pick out sheets, though!”

I smile apologetically. “Yeah…we’ll try and make this quick, okay?”

 

It doesn’t take nearly as long to agree on a comforter set, but I think that’s because we’re both tired and want to get out of there.

When we get home, we go straight to the bedroom. It’s finally going to be livable.

“I can’t wait to not sleep on the floor,” Daichi says, opening up the bedding sets. “This has been truly awful.”

“You mean you don’t like snuggling close wrapped in blankets every night?” I tease.

He gets embarrassed and throws a sheet at me. “You know what I mean!”

“So, you do like that then, or?”

“Suga!”

“Love you!” I tease, starting to lay out the sheets on the bed. “Now, pull that side, because we need it to be smooth!”

“Does it matter? We’re just going to sleep in it.”

I blink at him. “I’m so glad that I haven’t shared a bed with you before.”

“We slept together like a million times at the old-”

“I meant, I am glad we didn’t share the responsibility of a bed.”

“Responsibility?” he chuckles. “Suga, it’s just a bed.”

“Smooth out your side!”

“Okay, okay. I’m smoothing it, _dear_.”

My entire brain and body shuts down, and I stare at him blankly.

“Koushi?”

His use of my given name does not help.

He walks around to where I am, and sits in front of my on the bed. “Are you having a stroke, Koushi?”

“Doesn’t this all strike you as kind of domestic?” I ponder.

“We’ve been living together for three years, but _this_ is what’s domestic?” When I don’t say anything, he takes my hands. “Come on.” He pulls me off the bed. “If you want the sheets smooth, we’ll tuck them so tightly, hotels would be jealous.”

 

As soon as the school year begins, I am overwhelmed. This doesn’t stop me from keeping my promise to Nishinoya and Asahi to help them move in together.

“Asahi! Carry me over the threshold!” Noya calls, sprinting at him full-speed.

“Noya!” Asahi gasps, barely having time to react before having to catch him. “Isn’t that what you do when you get married?”

“Who can afford a wedding in this economy?” Yuu points out, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend’s neck. “Besides, I’m on the national team! We’d either have to elope right now or have a full wedding in three years.”

“You’re not getting married without me, Yuu!” Tanaka screams, racing Ennoshita with boxes. “I have to be your man of honor!”

“I believe that’s called a best man,” Ennoshita tells him, laughing as he sets down a box.

“How much shit did you have to bring with you, Noya-san?” I recognize that voice, but it’s been almost a year since I’ve heard it.

“Seriously, senpai! Don’t you know the best part about living together is someone already has stuff, so you don’t need to get as much!” And _that_ one.

“Dumbass, for the last time, our clothing is _not_ interchangeable, because I’m not a shrimp!”

“But I like wearing oversized clothes! So mean, Kageyama!”

“How many people did you call, Yuu?” I ask, grinning wide when I see Hinata and Kageyama walk through the door.

“A few!”

“Suga-san!” Hinata shrieks, dropping a box that was hopefully not fragile and running to hug me. “It’s been forever!”

“I know!”

He grabs my left hand excitedly, then frowns. “Hey, how come you’re not wearing a wedding ring?”

“What?”

“Tobio, I thought you said-?”

Kageyama squeezes his head like he used to in high school. “Dumbass! That’s not at all what I said!”

“Oops?”

I know the conversation that he’s referring to, because I had talked to Kageyama about how it sometimes _feels_ like I’m married to Daichi, with our new living situation. Shows how much Hinata listens.

“Why would you think Suga is married?” Daichi laughs, setting a box marked _KITCHEN_ on the counter.

“No reason, Daichi-san!” Hinata stammers out before pushing his boyfriend off his head. “That hurts, Bakageyama-kun!”

“It’s just your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.”

“Well, why would you try and tell me something while I’m practicing serves, stupid?”

“Some things never change,” I observe as they continue to bicker.

“Yeah, but some things do,” Daichi counters when Hinata leans up to kiss Tobio’s cheek.

“Okay, I only have one box left in my car, but I got it!” Nishinoya announces, rushing out of the apartment.

“You’ve got your hands full, living with him,” I note, patting Asahi on the shoulder.

He’s just beaming at the door, as if wondering how he got so lucky. “I’ve got my life full, Koushi.”

“Bleh,” I fake gag, because that was cheesy, and he knows it.

“Don’t be like that! You still haven’t even told him, have you?”

I look at Daichi, laughing with our kouhais, and shake my head. “I don’t want to ruin something so perfect, Asahi.”

 

Along with the end of first semester comes an opportunity to intern at the hospital, which I’m obviously not going to pass up. The only thing is that Daichi is interning at a local law firm, and between classes and that, we never see each other anymore. The only proof we still live together is the fact that we share a bed.

I’m not used to this.

Even during his busiest volleyball seasons, or when I was too bogged down on school to be bothered leaving my room, we at least were coexisting. Now, we are rarely home at the same time. It’s starting to drive me crazy.

Time is moving far too quickly as I do things nonstop. I only catch Nishinoya’s games by getting the hospital to put them on the televisions (he’s doing amazing, by the way). I’m surprised that I’m keeping it together so well, but very pleased, because if I end up breaking down during an internship, I’ll never be a real nurse.

It’s winter before I know it, and we’re going home to spend time with our families. Home is a weird concept now, because it has two meanings: home, where I live, and home, where I’m from. This must be adulthood.

“Are you bringing anyone special to tonight’s dinner?” my mother asks as we work together to make food.

“Probably Daichi,” I reply. I almost always bring Daichi.

“Honey, you know you can tell me if Daichi is your boyfriend, right?”

I freeze mid-chop. “What?”

“Well, every time I ask about someone special, you bring him up. I know you’ve been living together for a while – Koushi, I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide things from me. I love you, no matter what.”

This is good to know, for future reference, but I’m not sure how to explain what Daichi and I are to her. Yes, we’re living together. Yes, we share a bed. Yes, in the middle of the night, when I’m cold, I snuggle up to him. Yes, sometimes I watch him sleep because he looks like an angel. Yes, sometimes I- wait, where am I going with this again?

“He isn’t my boyfriend, Mom,” I say simply.

“Fiancé?”

“ _Mom_ , don’t you think I’d tell you if I was getting married!”

“Koushi, you’re twenty-three years old. It’s all the thrills of adulthood, with all the same teenage impulses to not tell your parents things.”

“I’m single, Mom,” I assure her. After a moment of quiet, I add, “But I also am gay.”

Even though I’ve been “out” for three years now, I don’t really say those words a lot. It’s just something I expect people to understand when I kiss a guy at a party or go home with a man from the bar. The words taste foreign to me, almost, which is absurd, since they are truth in the most direct form.

“I love you,” she replies, “and nothing changes that. So, when you _do_ get a boyfriend – and you will, because you’re a handsome young man – please, let me meet him.”

“I promise I will, Mom.” I’m considering handing over my _World’s Best Mom_ mug, because I obviously am not its rightful owner.

 

The next school year, like this one, seems to go too quickly. I’m caught between not having time to study because of the hospital, but not being guaranteed my degree without enough hours put it with the internship. Daichi is in a similar predicament, so when we catch each other, it’s mostly spent crying or sleeping.

As we tackle finals and get in enough hours, though, things slow back down. I can actually breathe without having to multitask.

“Hey,” Daichi calls, home already. I restrain myself from running to hug him. The fact I even want to, is so embarrassing. “Koushi, do you want to go out?”

My heart stops. “What?”

“It’s the end of the semester,” he explains, “so let’s go to dinner like we always do.”

I sigh, too quietly for him to hear, and smile. “Okay, Daichi.”

 

It’s nothing fancy this time around – just the local gay bar – but I’ve always liked the place. Sometimes, we come here together to dance. Other times, I come here alone to find someone to dance for the night.

But tonight, we’re there to eat and enjoy one another’s company.

“You look like you’re fondly remembering every one-night-stand you’ve ever had, Koushi,” Daichi laughs, shaking his head. “Never a boyfriend from here.”

“It’s been like a year since the last time that happened,” I tell him. I don’t know why it’s so important for him to know. Every time it would happen, I just felt guilty, anyhow.

“You never date, though.”

“Neither do you.”

“You’re right.”

I blink at him. “Why are we like this?”

“Like what?”

Before I can explain, an attractive guy sits down next to Daichi, giving him the once-over. This almost never happens when we come together. Usually, everyone thinks we’re a couple.

“Hey,” he greets, tapping Daichi on the shoulder. “I saw you from across the room, and I was wondering if I could buy you a drink.”

Suddenly, it’s as if I turn invisible. Daichi humors the guy for a while, talking to him, flirting with him, touching his arm.

_Disgusting._

I try to hide in my phone, trying to tell myself to calm down. To be fair, this wouldn’t happen if I just voiced my feelings. But who has time for feelings? I hardly have time to eat anymore, much less have an intimate discussion about how I’m in love with my best friend.

As soon as I open Instagram, my dash greets me with loads of pictures from Hitoka and Kiyoko – wearing new engagement rings, no less. I’m so happy for them that I want to tell Daichi, but he’s still talking to that guy, and I don’t want to interrupt.

Actually, that’s a lie. I do want to interrupt.

“Dai-chan!” I say excitedly, tapping his shoulder.

“One moment,” he says to the guy, turning to face me. “Yeah, Koushi?”

“Look!” I hand him my phone.

“Oh my god! That’s great!”

“Isn’t it, though?! Wow, who’d have thought they would be the first to get married?”

“Ask Kiyo-chan if she’s set a date!”

“On it!”

“Has she? Are we invited? Can we be bride’s men?”

“Would you give her a second to reply, Daichi, oh my god!”

“Sorry, sorry. What about now?”

I laugh. “Next summer, no date. We’re invited, but she said that since I asked her to marry me that one time, it would be awkward to have me stand in the wedding.”

“ _Ahem_.” The guy Daichi has been chatting up taps his arm. “Sawamura-kun?”

“Sorry,” Daichi says, turning back to him. “My best friend, Sugawara Koushi. One of our classmates from high school just got engaged to one of our former kouhais.”

“Well, that’s nice. Sorry, I didn’t realize I was intruding on your evening.”

“No, you’re not intruding!” Daichi insists. “Right, Suga?”

I shake my head, too uncomfortable to speak. He _is_ intruding. This is _our_ tradition, and Daichi is just flirting with some stranger. He doesn’t do this. I admit that the guy is hot but _come on_.

I take a deep, cleansing breath to mask my annoyance and continue scrolling. If I focus hard enough on my phone, I don’t have to think about this.

But then the guy pulls Daichi to the dance floor, and I’ve had enough.

It’s not Daichi’s fault. Obviously, it’s mine. If I told him how I feel, this might not be happening. But then again, it might still. I guess he wouldn’t flirt with guys around me if he liked me, right? I know this, because I can only do it when he isn’t there to see. It just feels like I’m cheating on him otherwise.

He, on the other hand, clearly has no problem letting a guy feel him up in the same building as me.

After the song, he comes back. “Suga, you look like an injured puppy. Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I lie, but he knows me too well. “Our friends are all getting engaged or moving in with their significant others or having the times of their lives while I sit around having no social life, but yeah, I’m fine. Even you seem to be doing better than me.”

His shoulders fall. “You were just getting on me about not going out with guys or anything, but now that I’m talking to one, something’s wrong?”

“I wasn’t getting on you about that,” I tell him. “I mentioned it, because you brought it up. If you want a fucking boyfriend, go get one!”

“Hey, it was just a drink and a dance. Not talking till-death-do-us-part here.”

“Well, maybe I am.” I say it before I think it through. Honestly, it doesn’t even make contextual sense, but the meaning is more or less clear.

I think I just told Daichi that I want to marry him, and that’s absolutely horrifying.

 

Asahi is half-asleep when he opens the door. “Koushi? It’s half two in the morning, are you okay?”

“No,” I reply miserably.

“Come in.”

When I get inside, I see Nishinoya is watching tapes of the most recent match he played. He’s either admiring himself or trying to figure out how to be better. He’s always doing one of the two.

“Yuu, we’ve got company,” Asahi announces.

“Hey, Koushi.” It’s weird that the kids who were my juniors now call me by my given name. Adulthood is strange.

“Hey, Yuu.”

“What’s going on?”

“I was at the bar with Daichi,” I begin, sitting down on the couch. I half expect them to groan and tell me to grow up, but they don’t. The couple only listens, like friends do. “This guy started hitting on him.”

“Ooh, did you kick his ass?” Noya asks.

“Yuu,” Asahi mutters.

“I just know that if some guy was hitting on you, I would hit him the face.”

Asahi rolls his eyes. “Continue, Koushi.”

“Well, they were having a nice time, so I stayed back. But then they danced together, and that really got to me.” They both nod in understanding. “I must have made a face, because he came back to ask if I was okay.”

“What did you say?”

I tell them the whole conversation, ending with how I ran out of the building immediately thereafter.

“Yikes,” Noya drawls. “Did you even catch his reaction?”

“Nope. I’m not even sure if what I said made any sense to him, because the wording meshed so weirdly.”

“Do you want to crash here?” he offers. “Our couch is always open to useless, gay senpais.”

I laugh. “Thanks, yeah, if you’re sure it’s alright.”

“You can borrow some sleeping clothes, if you’d like,” Asahi offers. “We always keep extra stuff around.”

“When did you two become the team parents?” I tease.

“When you and Daichi got too wrapped up being in love,” Yuu replies.

“When- what?”

“I’m joking,” he clarifies. “I don’t know how Daichi feels, but…if I had to guess…?”

My eyes widen. “Yeah?”

“Go to sleep, Koushi.”

 

“Hey, Asahi?” The sound is still distant, because I’m still mostly asleep. “He left in kind of a hurry, but I figured this is where he’d come. Is he in there?”

“Daichi, I really don’t know if Koushi’s up to talk. He’s had a rough night, from the looks of it.”

“Please. I feel like I’ve hurt him, and I didn’t want to do that. You know that.”

“Yeah.”

“Is he here?”

“Yes, he’s here. But he’s sleeping, so why don’t you drink some coffee first? You look like you didn’t sleep.”

“I hardly did.”

My brain is starting to process information again, and I realize that Daichi is here, worried about me. I didn’t mean to worry him, but it appears I have.

Of course, on the other hand, I don’t want to talk to him. I am still embarrassed about last night, if he by some chance took what I said like I meant it. I don’t want him to know I’m awake and can hear him.

“Suga, I know you’re awake.”

“Dammit.” I sit up and look at him. “How?”

“We share a bed. I know if you’re really sleeping or not.”

I shut my eyes and lean my head back. “What do you want?”

“To make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m fine.”

“Suga?”

“Yeah?”

“You said you haven’t gone out with any guys in over a year, didn’t you?”

“I did say that.”

“There a reason?”

“I don’t want to date just any guy.”

“Oh.” After a moment of silence, he says, “Would you feel better if I told you I left after you did? I didn’t even get his number?”

I want to say no, but it does make me feel a little better.

“And would it make you feel better…if I said…I wouldn’t date other people, if you didn’t want me to?”

I open my eyes again. “What are you saying?”

“I- I don’t know. Forget it,” he sighs. “I know that we’re supposed to be friends until the end, and we’re always supposed to be together. I just don’t want to jeopardize the future we’ve made for ourselves.”

“We haven’t made a future yet, Daichi. That’s impossible. Only the present.”

“The volleyball gym is open this morning,” he says. To most, it’s a subject change, but for us, I’m not sure that it is.

“Is it?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool.”

“Toss to me.”

“Don’t you usually drag Tobio along for that?”

“Yeah, but only because you’re always busy. Today, I want to only hit tosses set to me by my setter.”

_My setter._ That was true through high school, but we never really said it. That set us apart from Hinata and Tobio almost immediately, because that little shrimp was so possessive of his blueberry – still is. Now they are together, and we are…whatever this is.

“Okay. Let’s go, then.”

 

I haven’t played volleyball since high school, and I haven’t tossed since my second year of university. When Daichi asked, I was afraid that I wouldn’t be in sync with him anymore. I don’t want him to miss any of my tosses. He’s never missed before. We’ve always had perfect rhythm.

It turns out that we still do.

“One more!”

“Alright.”

“Toss one at first tempo!”

“Okay.”

“Oh, that was great! Another?”

“Jeez, when did you turn into Shouyou?” I tease, tossing again.

“It’s been forever since I’ve felt this when spiking,” he explains. “No one is as good as you.”

“You’re right; they’re usually better.”

He walks over and grabs my shoulders. “Not for me, Koushi. There’s no one better for me than you.” He heads back to where he had been. “Again?”

“Of course.”

 

When we get back home, we’re both drenched in sweat. Outside is cold, but when you practice a sport that you haven’t played in years, it doesn’t matter.

“You shower first,” I tell him. “I don’t think I can stand up anymore.”

“Alright,” he laughs, taking off his shirt and putting it in the laundry basket.

I hadn’t been expecting to have to witness that, so now I’m extra out of breath. Somehow, between work and school, he’s still keeping up a physique. I technically have been too, but it doesn’t show like _that_. Half of me finds it hot, but the other half is just jealous.

He showers, then I shower, then we sit in an uncomfortable silence.

I can’t remember why I feel so weird, but then I remember last night, and it all comes flooding back. We’re only kind of okay. I did still indirectly confess to him.

“Suga,” he says, finally breaking the silence. “Last night, did you mean what you said? About eventually marrying someone?”

Oh. That’s how he took it. “Yeah.”

“Is that something you wanted to do…soon?”

“I’m single, so I’m going to have to say, that’s not even possible, Daichi.”

“Oh, right.” After a beat, he asks, “Do you like someone, though?”

“What are you, fifteen?” I laugh, trying to dodge the question.

“Well?”

“Yeah.”

“Why haven’t you told him?”

“I like what we have going.”

“We as in us, or we as in you and him?”

“What’s the difference?” Three little words. I always expected that when the time was right, three words would be, “I like you,” or, “I love you,” or, “Please date me.” But instead, those are the words that come from my lips. There’s no good way to misinterpret this time.

He turns to look at me. “W-what?”

“I don’t like what we have going as much as what we could have going,” I continue, “but if things changed for the worse, I don’t think I could handle it. Living without you, I mean.”

He stares, mouth agape, like he can’t even process my words. Then, he blinks, and a switch flips. “Suga?”

“Yep?” I don’t really want to think about how lame this is as far as confessions go, but what else was I going to do? We aren’t kids. I wasn’t going to sit down and write him a confession note and slip it in his locker.

He moves closer to me on the couch. “When?”

“I realized it maybe four years ago,” I guess, “but probably since high school.”

His eyes are flickering, as if trying to take in every part of my face. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because,” I sigh, “you are my best friend, and I didn’t want to lose that by…being in love with you.”

“You will _never_ lose me,” he promises, taking my hands. “You know that. At least, I hope you do, because I tell it to you often enough.”

I gently take back my hands. “You don’t have to pity me. It’s okay; I know that this isn’t what you’re looking for. Something like with the guy at the bar, though, right? That’s your type, right?”

“Muscular guys whose abs are so defined you can see them through their shirts?” he asks. “No.”

“Right, I guess that would be like dating yourself.”

“He was nice, and I wanted a free drink and to dance. You didn’t seem to be in a dancing mood, or I would’ve asked you instead.”

“I would’ve danced if you’d asked.”

“But you’ve had brief flings since realizing, haven’t you?”

“One-night-stands aren’t even flings, Daichi. They’re…they’re like…frustration released with a stranger you will never see again.”

“Hmm.”

“What is it?”

“Sorry that I just sprang a one-bedroom apartment on you. That explains when we were moving in.” After a beat, “Sorry that I called you ‘dear’.”

“This is the longest rejection I’ve ever received,” I joke, rubbing the back of my neck. “Can we just skip to the part where you’re flattered but don’t feel the same, then move on as usual?”

“I have to go,” he interrupts, standing up. “I’ll be back, though.”

He leaves in such a rush that I start panicking. Clearly, he’s lost in thought, or he wouldn’t abandon me with so little information.

I’ve always been a worrier, though, so I start going through worst-case-scenario. I decide that he’s left in a hurry, because I’ve freaked him out. I’ve freaked _me_ out, so it’s totally understandable. There’s only one solution.

I need to seek the guidance of my favorite engaged lesbians.

 

“Why did you leave, he said he’d be back!” Hitoka cries.

“He didn’t say he felt the same! Obviously, I’ve freaked him out,” I insist.

“Maybe you guys are out of milk and he just remembered,” Kiyoko suggests, but I know. I know what they won’t say. There’s no good reason to run out of your apartment when you’re talking about something so serious. There just isn’t.

“This blows,” I complain, slumping down. “I got tired of saying nothing, so I started saying things, and now it’s over.”

“He didn’t say that he _didn’t_ feel the same,” Yachi offers, trying to cheer me up. “Sugawara-san.”

“I have never dated anyone, confessed to anyone, or any of that.”

“You confessed to me,” Kiyoko reminds me.

“That doesn’t count,” I plead. “We’re both _gay_.”

“Touché.”

“I just can’t believe you guys _weren’t_ dating in high school!” Hitoka says, throwing her hands up.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you two just seemed so… _in love_ , you know?”

I shake my head. “I _don’t_ know.”

“I mean, he was always looking at you, and you would always watch him spike during practices or matches… I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have made assumptions, but I just thought-!”

“I get it,” I interrupt, not wanting her to feel guilty. “Trust me, I get it.” Then, I process what she said. “What do you mean, he was always looking at me?”

“You know, looking at you with a sort of glazed-over expression, like he was daydreaming.”

“Sounds familiar,” Kiyoko mentions casually, causing her fiancée to turn red.

“You can’t just do that to me, Kiyoko!”

“Sorry, Hitoka-chan.” She actually looks quite pleased with herself.

“I didn’t know he did that,” I whisper, mostly to myself. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I’m starting to wonder if I should have left home. I’ve been gone for two hours now… What if he really wasn’t freaked out?

Well, he’s probably freaking out _now_ , since I left.

“Go,” Kiyoko orders, practically reading my mind.

“Thanks,” I say, hugging them both. “And congratulations on your engagement!”

 

When I get home, the door is unlocked, but all the lights are off. Still, there is light…

_Candles._

I set my keys on their hook and take off my jacket, hanging it up. I try to ignore the fact that this is such a fire hazard and follow the path of candles.

After a few steps, I see rose petals, which is simultaneously the cutest and cheesiest thing to see right now. I half expect them to lead to the bedroom, but to my disappointment (?), they do not. Instead, they lead to our little balcony, where we keep a tiny garden.

Daichi’s out there, sitting up on the railing, waiting for me.

It’s sunset. I’ve seen a lot of sunsets in my near twenty-four years, but some stick out to me. The night where we walked around Tokyo for the first time; the first sunset I ever saw after moving in with Daichi; the sunset when we went out for a fancy dinner in our first year at university… Now, this one.

“Koushi, I told you I was coming back,” he sighs, not needing to look to know I’m here. “Why don’t you trust me?”

“I trust you just fine, Daichi,” I reply. I’m starting to shake, and I can’t tell if I’m happy or nervous.

“Did you really think I was just going to leave? Bolt out that door and never come back to you?”

“Well, I don’t see what was so important that it couldn’t wait until I finished pouring my soul out to you.” It comes out more harshly than I mean for it to.

“I bought something last week, but it wasn’t quite ready until today. I wasn’t going to pick it up until later, because we needed to sort things out. I just didn’t realize this was what we’d be sorting out.”

“And that was more important?” This time, I do mean the harshness.

“Yeah.” He finally looks at me, and I take him in. Wearing a suit that he probably hasn’t put on since his last volleyball banquet in university. Wearing a tie that is done like I had to teach him in our first-year. “Yeah, it was.”

He steps down and walks to me.

“Consider, Koushi, that maybe I feel the same. That I wasn’t going to reject you today. That I needed what wasn’t finished until today, and that seems like perfect timing.”

My eyes are wide. “What?”

“Consider that for the last eight years-” _Has it been so long?_ “-I have been wondering how to tell you something? Trying to keep you close the only way I knew how, because you never told me how you felt.”

“That’s not fair if you never told me either,” I point out, feeling a little defensive.

“Yes, I did,” he says, frowning. “I told you after my first date in our second year of college. I told you I loved you. I know I was drunk, but I’m pretty sure I remember saying that to you. And then you acted like it never happened.”

“You never brought it up after that.”

He cocks his head at me, and I start wondering. _Did he?_

_“I want to spend more time with you tonight.”_

_“I’m not going anywhere.”_

_“There’s only one bedroom, but-”_

_“When we get a house…”_

_“Daichi told us your old mug broke!”_

_“No one is better for me than you.”_

I slowly cover my hand with my mouth. I can’t believe I’m so dense. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m not mad at you.”

“That was the night I realized how I felt…I didn’t even consider you’d said that as a confession, Daichi.”

“Well, now you know.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry, though,” he adds, “because I think I tried to get a rise out of you last night, and that was wrong of me. It was hurtful.”

“You were trying to make me jealous?”

“Maybe.” He clears his throat. “But I don’t really want to date anyone else, if that’s alright.”

“Y-yeah. That’s alright.”

“Because I meant it, Suga. I’m in love with you. I love the friendship we have, the closeness we share, they way we just _go together_ , fit together like the pieces belong. I love sharing space with you, and sharing days with you. I never want to give that up, but if you ever want me to, I will, because I just want for you to be happy.”

I want to tell him that I feel the same, but I can’t, because I’m starting to cry. There’s just so many feelings all at once, feelings that I’ve been forbidding myself to dwell on for years.

“Our lease is up in a couple weeks, and we’ll either have to reapply or find somewhere new. I don’t know if two weeks is long enough to find somewhere, but we can if you want to. Sorry,” he says, “that wasn’t as on-topic as I’d hoped.”

“So, are you asking me to be your boyfriend, or not?” I joke through a sob. They’re happy tears, though.

“No,” he sighs.

“What?”

He fishes through his blazer pocket and pulls out a box. “I…” He kneels down. “I’m asking you to be my husband, Koushi.”

I gasp, and my heart starts pounding so hard that I’m legitimately concerned it will explode. He opens the box, and I see two silver rings.

“That was…that was what you got?”

“Yeah,” he admits, starting to turn red.

“You were going to ask me to marry you, even if I hadn’t confessed today?”

“Yeah.”

“You want to…to marry me? For real?”

He smiles, starting to tear up himself. “You’ve been by my side for eight years of my life, but I’d like to spend the rest of them with you, if it’s okay.”

I nod, unable to speak. He stands back up and puts on of the rings one my finger, and I put one on his. Since I can’t verbalize, I decide that kissing him is just as well.

I wish I’d brought it up sooner, but I know that not much would have changed. It’s just like everyone says: we have basically been dating since high school anyways. Now, we’re engaged to be married. One way or another, it was always leading here.

**Author's Note:**

> For the record:  
> 1\. Suga absolutely took pictures of the rings, the candles, and the roses afterwards, because if he doesn't post it, did it even happen (he also takes pictures kissing Daichi, because he's gotta brag).  
> 2\. It may not be lit by candles, but there definitely is a second trail of roses to the bedroom. Romantic Daichi is my favorite head canon.  
> 3\. Kiyoko knows that Daichi was planning to propose. As a matter of fact, she was there when he got the rings.


End file.
